I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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