Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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