I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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