I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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