The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
