Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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