I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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