There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
