there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
