I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
