It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
