I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
