I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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