i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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