Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
