if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
