i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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