im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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