You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
