first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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