I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She's the barista slut.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
