just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
