Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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