When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
