when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
