I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
