very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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