never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
