Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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