dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
