I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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