How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
