I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
