I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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