I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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