I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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