Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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