I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
