Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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