My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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