And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I am midnight drunk by noon
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
