Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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