Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
