I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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