Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
