Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
