i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize
