well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
