shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We have started to decorate penises.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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