So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
