i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
