I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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