i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
