I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
