I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Are we in a gay sports bar?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Randomize
